I am re-sharing this post from my old blog because I will be referencing it frequently for an upcoming new series, Enchanted Spaces, that is all about re-imagining home. This post explains a bit about my unorthodox “stuff story.” Enjoy!
Let’s talk about baggage. No, not emotional baggage. Physical baggage. When my grandmother died, all of her belongings and her mother’s belongings, including several rooms’ worth of large pieces of furniture and boxes and boxes of glass and china, went to my mother. A few years after my mother died (when my father moved), all of that stuff, along with many of my mother’s belongings, were divvied out between my sister and me, which meant that I ended up with half of four generations of furniture, china, photos, quilts, clothing, and more at the bright young age of 23.
What I’ve discovered is that I am the master of manipulating myself into keeping things that I don’t want or need, much of which have no emotional or monetary value for me (insert dramatic Hoarders soundtrack here). Here is my logic: “Oh, but there is a label on this handkerchief that says it came from my grandmother’s friend’s mother; I can’t get rid of that!” Or “Well, I don’t actually like this sweater, but my mom wore it at some point in time so I should keep it,” or “This doesn’t hold any fond memories for me, but I feel like I need to keep it anyway.”
I have gotten rid of things here and there, so it never felt like this was a serious emotional problem deeply affecting my quality of life, but at some point I looked around my home and realized that almost none of my belongings were actually things that I picked out or purchased myself. Truthfully, I have accumulated the type of belongings that many people don’t have until their late fifties, and even then have had much more time and emotional space to cull through them. Most of my furniture was willed to me. Most of my clothes to this day are hand-me-downs from someone.
On the one hand, my gratefulness for having been given these items far overpowers any frustration that I have with it, and truly, there are many things that I have that I absolutely love. Still, the strange thing is that at it has taken me until my late twenties to stop and ask what my personal style truly is, and what I want my belongings to look like, or even what kinds of belongings I want and need in my life. I used to believe that having these items was saving me money as well, and I’m sure some of the smaller, more useful items were, but the thing is, items that take up physical space mean more cost in moving and storing those items, especially for someone who has moved several times like I have.
I recently read the popular book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. I won’t go into everything the book says (you can read it if you haven’t already) but there were four pieces that I took away that were the most helpful for this type of baggage:
1. Only keep things in your life if they “spark joy” in you.
2. When you get rid of belongings, thank them for the place they have had in your life and the things they have taught you. Sometimes an item’s purpose is to teach you what you don’t like.
3. A gift’s purpose is to show the gratitude and love of the giver. Once the gift has been given, it’s purpose has been filled.
4. If you are keeping something purely for sentimental reasons, consider taking a picture of the item instead.
I am now immersed in a deep process of tidying up. And here is where I have created a method that Marie Kondo may possibly hate: the guilt box. It’s label literally says “Stuff I Feel Guilty Getting Rid Of.” Everything in that box are things I am keeping not because I love them, or because I find them to be useful, or because they have great sentimental value, but simply because I feel guilty getting rid of them.
What’s the point, you say? Well, the point is that everything outside of that 2x3x1 box in my life brings me joy. I’m allowing myself that much baggage, that much guilt, that much “but what if I need thing X?” or “but so-and-so really loved thing Y.” In allowing just a little bit, I can quell any anxiety, guilt, or fear I have about getting rid of other belongings; if I can fit it in the guilt box, I can keep it. And, I’m hoping that by being brutally honest about the reason I’m keeping things, I can become more discerning about what I keep and what I discard.
What I have found through this is that I have a true love for many of the things I have in my life that were given to me, like my grandma’s beautiful quilts, much of my mom’s jewelry, and some absolutely beautiful dresses and cardigans that I was given by my in-laws. I hadn’t noticed how much I appreciated those things before because I hadn’t had the physical and emotional space to savor their beautiful history and fine craftsmanship. Now that I am starting to identify the types of things that bring me joy in life, I am hoping to truly savor my home, and to discerningly bring only things into my space that truly enchant me.
January 14, 2017 at 2:15 pm
I LOVE the idea of the guilt box! With both my parents gone and my kids all grown I have things I shouldn’t keep but feel too guilty about letting them go. This idea will certainly help!
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January 14, 2017 at 2:19 pm
I’m glad! I think it is easier to deal with those items when they are out of sight and we can see how free we are without them. Good luck on your stuff journey. And thanks for stopping by!
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January 14, 2017 at 3:14 pm
Elizabeth, since I originally wrote this article, I have also created a “family history box” that has photos, stories, and memorabilia from my family. That has also helped me to quell my guilt about getting rid of, say, my great-grandma’s china. I think what our loved ones want more than anything is to know they are remembered and cherished in some way.
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January 14, 2017 at 5:59 pm
I made a box for certain mementos years ago but I think it’s time I start giving them to my children. Those things need to go on living in the family and not just be in a box. Maybe by the time it’s empty my kids will be gathering my stuff to put in their family history boxes!
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January 14, 2017 at 6:12 pm
I had a drawer full of T-shirts that I wasn’t interested in wearing anymore, but held memories. My T-shirt quilt is almost done. If you have something you don’t use, but love, try to repurpose it. Kids clothing can be a quilt. Papers and flat momentos from a trip or event can go in a binder or scrapbook. Make a shadowbox from beloved knickknacks!
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January 14, 2017 at 6:30 pm
I love those ideas- thanks! And yes, upcycling or donating is much better than throwing things away. I myself am a huge fan of flipping furniture. Give me paint, modge podge, fun paper, and some knobs and I will go to town.
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January 15, 2017 at 10:47 am
Oh my gosh, I LOVE Marie Kondo! I was so inspired after reading her book! I wrote a review of it here on my blog a few months ago: https://wellspringhealthandwellness.com/2016/11/02/book-review-the-life-changing-magic-of-tidying-up-the-japanese-art-of-decluttering-and-organizing/ Thanks for sharing the inspiration. Keep it coming!
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January 15, 2017 at 1:28 pm
She has inspired me a lot! I’m checking out your post now.
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January 15, 2017 at 8:30 pm
It was really hard for me to get through Marie Kondo’s book… I actually never finished it – whoops! It just felt a bit repetitive and I really wanted to read some of my fiction books instead. However, I love the tid-bits you shared from it, especially #3. We’ve been gifted a lot of things lately that we just can’t keep because of lack of space, and I’ve felt incredibly guilty about it. But, I like her approach to the gift already having served it’s purpose. It’s so true! I never think, “oh, I wonder what so-and-so is doing with the gift I gave them.” It really was just about the giving, rather than the gift itself. Thanks so much for sharing!
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January 15, 2017 at 8:43 pm
I was just talking about this with someone else; I think her book falls into one of the pitfalls of minimalism, which is that it can speak from a pretty limited perspective. I think it’s a matter of taking the parts that speak to us personally and ignoring the rest. I like Kondo’s book, but I actually prefer the book Simple Matters, which is maybe a more reasoned approach to minimalism, if you haven’t checked that out. Kondo’s is great for a spring cleaning, whereas Simple Matters is more of a lifestyle. Thanks for stopping by!
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January 16, 2017 at 8:55 pm
I’ll definitely have to pick up Simple Matters, I think it’s always more meaningful when it can speak to a lifestyle. Thanks for the suggestion!!
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January 17, 2017 at 9:15 am
I love the way you think! My husband of 37 years died 7 years ago. I inherited some things from my parents. But when I sold my three bedroom house for a two bedroom condom, I had to get rid of a lot of things. I love my new home. Great ideas and posts!!
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January 17, 2017 at 12:14 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think nothing can cause us to re-assess our belongings quite like a major loss. I hope your new place brings you a lot of peace and joy.
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January 17, 2017 at 5:17 pm
Thank you. I am extremely happy here and feel at peace.
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January 21, 2017 at 5:12 pm
I have a dear friend who turns her guilt box items into art. They are transformed into something that fits into her life now – a collage, a quilt, or sewn into bead work. Some she gifts, other she keeps. Through the process of creation she integrates them into her own experience and is then at peace with giving them away. Personally, I think sentimentality is a good thing. We should hold tighter to the past even as we make our own way forward.
You have a beautiful perspective on life. Keep sharing the good stuff!
Tasha
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January 21, 2017 at 5:23 pm
Oh wow, that is a beautiful concept! I LOVE that! I have lately been thinking, not of off-loading items onto other people who don’t need them, but of asking, “Is there someone I know who would really like this item and appreciate it more than me?” Thanks for stopping by!
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February 26, 2017 at 10:34 am
I am extreme in this space as I believe it is rude to leave others with your stuff. I plan on leaving each child with one small box (like a shoe box) with things I’ve more or less confirmed might be valuable to them with no stings or expectations that they keep the items. I want to die in a house of less than 500 sq.feet that can be bulldozed into a hole along with my ashes. Bam and it’s done.
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March 1, 2017 at 10:41 am
That is brilliant. I have a family history box that I intend to pass on when I have kids; that will probably be the only thing unless there is something specific they want.
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